Stuff Crash Test Kids Say
‘Dear God, Please Help Us Stop Tooting.’
5-year-old: Mama! I have something really important to tell you. Me: Well, I'm working. 5-year-old: Just real quick. Me: Ok. 5-year-old [singing]: Batman's in the kitchen, Robin's in the hall, Joker's in the bathroom, peeing on the wall!" Me: 5-year-old: Me:...
‘I Would Eat a Worm for Only 6 Dollars’ and the How Do Babies Come Out Talk
6-year-old: Sometimes I can't get my poop out of my...uhhhh.... 5-year-old: Booty crack? 6-year-old: No, my uhhhh.... Me: Colon? 6-year-old: No. My...uhhh...oh! My sphincter! 3-year-old: Daddy, you have a penis. Husband: Yeah. 3-year-old: I have a penis. Husband: Yes....
‘Dying is Definitely Not Awesome.’
Husband: What is something you enjoy about being in a big family? 8-year-old: Not having a lot of attention? Me: Wait. You enjoy that? 8-year-old: I was being sarcastic. Watching something on TV when you guys try to clean. Me: Husband: 8-year-old: That's what I enjoy...
The Twisted Song Lyrics of Boys
Katy Perry's "Firework:" Baby you're a wheel of death You have stinky breath You make me go "Ew ew ew That smells like poo poo poo Capital Cities' "Safe and Sound:" I can throw you up I can throw up on the toilet seat and toot like a birdie tweet You can be my luck...
‘I Volunteer to Eat That.’
Me [holding up something indistinguishable. Is it food? Trash? A little of both?]: What in the world is this? Husband: I'm not really sure. 8-year-old: I volunteer to eat that. Me: Husband: 8-year-old: Me: Nope. 6-year-old: Mama, will you sign me up for soccer? Me:...
The Boy’s Excuse for Being Late to Dinner
Husband: Where were you? It's time for dinner. 6-year-old: I was getting my brother. Husband: But your brother got in here five minutes ago. What were you doing for the other five minutes? 6-year-old: Staring at this girl. Husband: 6-year-old: Husband: Well. Me: What...
We Were Born Before the Invention of Color TV. According to Our Kids.
Me, to Husband: I was just telling Mom that I would rather raise kids in the time period when she was raising kids, because we didn't have all this Internet and smartphone stuff. 8-year-old: Yeah, and you didn't have TV. Husband: We had TV. It wasn't flat, though....
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