20 Conversations with Kids that will Make You Laugh Out Loud

20 Conversations with Kids that will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Husband: Give me the fly swatter.
4-year-old: But I want to die a fly.
Husband: You want to die a fly?
Me: Well, that is quite an aspiration.


9-year-old: Mama, I have DNA samples of myself on my desk.
Me: Oh, really?
9-year-old: Yeah. A fingernail, a toenail and hair. I was hoping to go to a science place and clone myself so one of me could go to school and one could stay home.
Me:
9-year-old:
Me:
9-year-old: What?


5-year-old [bouncing on Husband’s back]: You’re…really…squishy.


Husband: The reason we don’t do that is because [blah blah blah]
9-year-old: You’re overwhelming me. You’re using too many words.


5-year-old: Daddy, I have to go pee.
Husband: So go pee.
5-year-old: My brother is already peeing. I guess I’ll have to pee on his face.
Husband: That is definitely not an option. Nope.


4-year-old: I forgot.
Me: You forgot what?
4-year-old: I FORGOT!
Husband: You forgot to talk?
4-year-old: YYYEEEEESSSSSS.
Me: I don’t think you’ve ever had a problem with that, actually.


6-year-old: Sometimes when I’m running, I trip over my leg.
Me: Well, that sounds like a problem.
6-year-old: Yeah. It is.


Husband: What do you want to be when you grow up?
4-year-old: I want to be a caveman when I grow up.
Me: That shouldn’t be too hard.


9-year-old: Daddy, while I was getting dressed, I was thinking about all the different ways you can kill a chicken.
Husband:
9-year-old:
Husband: That’s sounds…normal.


7-year-old: Hey, Mama. Guess what?
Me: I hate guessing games.
7-year-old: But guess what.
Me: What.
7-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
7-year-old: I made that up.


9-year-old: We’re starting a mine in our back yard. Asa’s digging, and we’re picking up strange rocks and old wood.
Me: Oh! I’m so excited!
9-year-old: You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you.


9-year-old: You’re the only parents in the whole world who make their kids do chores!
Husband:
Me:
9yo:
Husband & Me: hahahahahahahaha


Husband: Where is your brain?
4-year-old: In my tummy.
Me: Sounds about right.


Me: Did you know I won a poetry award today?
4-year-old: Because you burp really loud?


7-year-old: Daddy it’s raining!
Husband: I know. It’s crazy. My weather app says it’s zero percent chance of rain.
7-year-old: How does the weatherman keep his job when he’s wrong so much?


Husband: In the future, when we come to church, you need to not wear flip flops. And pants with no holes in them.
8-year-old: Yeah, and I should also probably wear underwear.
Husband:
8-year-old: Regrettably, I had a little bit of diarrhea in my underwear this morning.
Husband:
8-year-old:
Husband: Well, then.


9-year-old: So we’re not going to the pool?
Husband: No. We told you guys to clean up, and you didn’t.
9-year-old: I was going to come downstairs, but my brothers were chasing me with a banana.


7-year-old: Did you hear my toot? It made me go really fast.
Me: Too bad the smell didn’t go really fast with you.
7-year-old: [laughing hysterically]
Me: [passing out on the floor]


9-year-old: If you touch a fly and put your finger in your mouth, will you die?
Me: Why would you want to?
9-year-old: Maybe accidentally?
Husband: No. Think about it. You live in a house with twins. They’ve done much worse, and they’re still alive.


9-year-old: I’ll probably be really popular now that I’m the son of an author.
Me: Just make sure you wear deodorant.
9yo: Why?

Conversations on Bugs, Truth and Cracks

Conversations on Bugs, Truth and Cracks

Me: What’s something cool that happened at school today?
5-year-old: I found three ladybugs on the playground today.
Me: You did?
5-year-old: Yeah. I put them in my lunch box.


4-year-old: I found a ladybug.
Me: Well, please don’t bring bugs in the car.
4-year-old: It’s not a bug, it’s a ladybug.
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: I’m not going to argue. But a ladybug has the word bug in it. Therefore, it is a bug.
4-year-old: No it’s not.
Me: Yes it is.


Me: Don’t go inside yet. We need to get an Easter picture of all of you. Then we’ll have lunch.
9-year-old: I want to take the picture after I eat, because I don’t want to look grim in my picture because I haven’t eaten.


Husband: Why are you naked?
6-year-old: I accidentally pooped in my underwear when I tried to toot.
Husband: Sometimes that happens.

4-year-old #1: Look at my crack

4-year-old #2: Ewww! Yuck!

4-year-old #1: hehehehe
4-year-old #2: Wanna see my crack when I get in bed?

Kids Are Great at Listening and Other Fallacies

Kids Are Great at Listening and Other Fallacies

6-year-old, to 3-year-old brother: I feel really angry at you, but I don’t want to hurt you.


9-year-old: I want to pee outside
Husband: No. You’re 9 years old. You can no longer pee outside when you’re 9 years old.
9-year-old: Why not?
Husband: Because—
9-year-old: Can I do it in the pits my brothers dug?


Husband: You’re really grouchy.
Me: I know. It’s been a hell of a morning.
9-year-old: You said a bad word.
Me: I don’t care.
9-year-old: Well, you’ll go where you said then.


Me: I said don’t eat yet. We haven’t prayed. Do you listen to anything comes out of my mouth?
3-year-old: No.


Me: What did I just say?
9-year-old: That I need to listen to you because one day it will help keep me safe. And so I’ll stay out of things. Like drugs.
6-year-old: We don’t have drugs in our house. We can’t get into drugs.
9-year-old: But we have alcohol.
Me: [shrug] It’s your dad’s.


9-year-old: Don’t worry, Mama, I’m not packing anything inappropriate.
Me: What would be inappropriate?
9-year-old: I don’t know. A poster that says, ‘This car used to be a butt.’

 

‘Please Stop Hovering Around Me’ or What He Meant to Say

‘Please Stop Hovering Around Me’ or What He Meant to Say

Woman: Are you guys four yet?
3-year-old: No, I’m three.
Woman: Is your birthday coming up?
3-year-old: Yeah.
Woman: And then you’ll be, what, seven?
3-year-old: Yeah. Because we eat a lot of food.


9-year-old: I feel really angry that you guys are hovering around me like bees hover around flowers.


Husband: You have to ask two serious questions and one silly one.
9-year-old: Like when was the last time you tooted?
Husband: Sure.
9-year-old: Two seconds ago is how I would answer that question.
Husband:
9-year-old:
Husband: It’s time to evacuate the dinner table.


9-year-old: Daddy, I’m feeling really sick. Can you squeeze the toothpaste out onto my toothbrush?


Husband: If you hurt one of your brothers again you lose technology time indefinitely.
9-year-old: If I’m angry, can I tickle them instead?
Husband: I think you should just not touch them.
9-year-old: I think I’ll tickle them.
6-year-old: I think I would like that better.

 

‘I Have Swim Trunks and a Penis’ and Other 3-Year-Old Randomness

‘I Have Swim Trunks and a Penis’ and Other 3-Year-Old Randomness

5-year-old: I can’t do it!
Me:
5-year-old: There. I got my shoes on.
Me: All right! You can do hard things!
5-year-old: Can I build a house? No.


Husband: You can sit in your seat until it’s time for dinner.
3-year-old: No.
Husband: Get in your seat.
3-year-old: I don’t want to get in my seat.
Me: Daddy’s being nice. I would have put you to bed early.
3-year-old: You’re evil.


Husband: A man lives in an all-pink one-story house. What color are the stairs?
9-year-old: Not enough information.
Husband: A man lives in an all-pink one-story house. What color are the stairs?
9-year-old: Oh, there are no stairs, because it’s a on-story. I could have said they were pink, but that would have been wrong, because a one-story house doesn’t have stairs, right? Unless it’s levitated. Like Nonny and Poppy’s.


6-year-old [examining his skin closely]: I think I’m shedding some skin here.


6-year-old: Dear God, please help us stop tooting. Amen.
Husband: Sometimes toots are good for us. Maybe just pray that they don’t smell bad.
6-year-old: I can never do that. My toots always smell. They smell like rotten broccoli.


3-year-old: I have swim trunks and a penis.
Me: What?
3-year-old: I have swim trunks and a penis.
Husband: I think what he’s trying to say is he has no underwear on.

‘I’ll Never Be Fat Like You’ and Other Kid Quotes

‘I’ll Never Be Fat Like You’ and Other Kid Quotes

5-year-old: Daddy, I want a hug and a kiss!
Husband: Come to our room, then.
5-year-old: No. I stepped on a Lego in there.


9-year-old: I’m getting fat
Me: I don’t think you’ll ever get fat.
6-year-old: Yeah, like daddy.
Husband: What, you mean like daddy doesn’t get fat?
9-year-old: No, like I’ll never be fat like you.


Husband: I can’t believe you’re not full.
Me: I know. I’ve had one bowl and a little chicken and I’m full.
5-year-old: I’ve had four bowls!


Target Guy: In the future, you can go ahead and order in advance, and we’ll have it waiting for you when you get here.
6-year-old:
Husband: Okay.
6-year-old [tugging on Husband’s sleeve, eyes wide, mouth slack]: Daddy, are we living in the future?


 

J: we went to the counselor today a policeman came to talk. I told him I could fight he said I couldn’t fight a big guy like him. I told him I was overeating to gain weight he said that was good.